Dear Amazon Prime,

To me "guaranteed 2-day delivery" seems simple:

I order something, and in two days it arrives. I even pay extra for your Prime membership to make that happen.

So when we order something – oh, let's say a kegerator – for our picnic on Sunday, and we're told we're guaranteed to get it Saturday by 8pm, I kind of believe you.

Except you didn't deliver (literally, and figuratively).

Our friends at FedEx (who are actually doing the delivering of the package) have this to say:

Wednesday? That's sure a far cry from Saturday...

And, here it is Sunday morning, and you still have this to say to us:

Quite the discrepancy in delivery days. And with YOUR delivery day, we now have to travel back in time to get it (though we shouldn't, because as history will tell us, it's not going to be delivered on time. Fool me once and all that jazz…)

So while I appreciate the 2-Day Guaranteed shipping, Amazon, I appreciate it even more when it happens.

Amazon Prime, to quote my mother-in-law: "You STINK!"

Thirsty in CT,
kk

Nature: 3 kk: 0

I hate nature.

I'm not an 'outdoorsy' kind of gal. I scream when I see a spider, I like to sleep and pee inside, and I could live the rest of my life without ever laying a finger on a lawn mower.

Mr. KK – on the other hand – is the epitome of a nature-lover. 

Dresser full of 'work clothes'? Check.

A garage and two sheds filled with every yard instrument known to man? Check.

The ability to walk over a dead animal carcass, pick up a bug with bare hands and move in closer to evaluate the danger of a found snake? You betcha!

So our house rule is this: I'll deal with the inside, Mr. KK deals with the outside.

This rule usually holds true until we're in dire straits, as was the case this past weekend. I was called in to help with 'the outside' to get our yard ready for our picnic next weekend. 

And when your 'outside' looks like 2 acres of this, you know it's serious:

(We're running a bit behind because we lost a weekend of working around the house due to a trip to Mexico to celebrate a certain someone's birthday, so I'm finding it rather selfish to do anything besides agree to help out.)

So this weekend I bit the bullet, put on my 'work clothes' (read: the pair on jeans in my closet I wear the least) and headed out.

Saturday went something like this:

setting: me planting herbs in the yard

MOTHER-IN-LAW: "What's that on your neck? You're bleeding."

And sure enough, I was bleeding. Because I was bitten by a mystery insect who left a welt that was swelling. It probably laid eggs in my neck, or injected me with malaria.

By Saturday night, the site of the bite was swollen, and all around my neck hurt. Miraculously, I avoided death and woke up Sunday morning.

My neck now looks like this:

I'll admit, it doesn't look that bad here. 

But it's BAD. And it hurts.

setting: sorting through dirt from our old planter.

ME: "This is a weird looking stick." (holding it up)

FATHER-IN-LAW: "That's because it's a bone. Probably from a rabbit."

item in question:

Um, seriously?

setting: the end of the day, after we finished up

MR. KK: "Something just bit me." (inspecting his chest) "It's a tick."

Awesome.

ME: "Let me get the vaseline." 

And I smothered the son of a bitch. (the tick, not Mr. KK)