Target Fail

Dear Target,

I thought we had something together. Every weekend we'd see each other and spend time together – and it was wonderful! – and I always left you feeling satisfied. I would show up early when very few people were around. I'd bring my iced coffee and stroll leisurely, taking pictures and texting family and friends and just TRULY enjoying our time together.

You offered me so much more than anyone else; you were everything under one roof. Especially with the news of Baby M and all of the wonderfulness you had to share – from cute clothes to helping me create a registry gift list.

You were my rock.
I never thought I'd find fault in you.

Until Saturday.

It hurts to utter these words but, Target, you disappointed me.

A few Sundays ago, friends and family gathered together to shower Baby M with gifts. Their generosity was overwhelming. I wasn't sure our living room would recover:

As with any shower, I got a few duplicate items. (I know Sofie is an international teething phenomenon, but how many chewy giraffes can one baby have??)

So on Saturday I packed my trunk with my duplicate gifts, picked up my mother, and headed to Target.

I did not have gift receipts for 99% of what was in my car, but this has to happen all of the time, right? People returning shower gifts? To the store at which they were registered?

At customer service I was instructed to print a "Gift Registry Log" from their kiosks.

Well – shocker – the system was down.

KK: "Can I print off the "purchased items" registry so you can see they were purchased and then I can return them?"

Customer Service: "No. I need the bar codes."

KK: "The bar codes are on the products."

CS: "But I need the bar codes FIRST then I scan the products."
You need a bar code and then you'll scan a bar code?

KK: "Ok. There has to be another way to do this. How else can I return this stuff?"

CS: "You can return it against your license without a receipt, but there's a limit."

KK: "What kind of limit?"

CS: "$70"

KK: "A day?"

CS: "No, a year."

Um, well that's not going to work. I have two rubber giraffes that cost $25 EACH in these bags.

MOM: "What if we call a bunch of people to come down with their licenses to help out?" God love her.

KK: "No. That's not the right way to do this. These were gifts, off of a registry from this store. There has to be another way."

CS: "There's no other way."

KK: "You have to understand where I'm coming from here. Most of this stuff is from my registry. I'm questioning the validity of the registry as a whole, since I registered for TWO sets of giraffe sheets and I got SIX, and friends have told me they had the sheets taken off the registry, but that's another issue entirely. I don't understand how I'm being penalized for returns when YOUR system isn't working. Find another way to make this work."

CS: (staring at me, not helping)

This went on for about 20 minutes. You know how they say when you're in a relationship you're the last one to see how ridiculous you're being? Well, that was me – with Target – on Saturday. I was the lunatic in Customer Service with a cart filled with onesies and butt cream and rubber animals.

KK: "So you won't take any of this back against my registry? Not one thing?"

I wanted to scream, 'Don't you know who I am??? I'm here every week! My family is close to staging an intervention with my habit with you! I thought we had something special! I feel so used!'

But, instead, I turned my cart around, head held high, and headed out to the parking lot.

And guess what, Target? I went to Carter's today for baby clothes.

AND I LIKED IT.

Define "Ready".

Now that we are about 6 weeks away from the arrival of Baby M, we are asked the same question over and over:

"Are you ready?"

Yes.

No.

I don't know.

Is anyone every really ready?

If you mean have I booked airfare/hotel/rental car for our trip to Georgia? 

Then yes.

If you mean do we have the nursery set up and cute little onsies bought and folded? 

Then yes.

If you mean are we mentally prepared for a 14 hour drive home from Georgia with a newborn we just met in a rental car? 

Then…no.

But I don't know if I'll ever really be ready for that, I think we'll just go with it when the time comes.

That's not to say we haven't been doing things to get ready for the arrival of our bundle of joy. 

Just the other night, we took an Infant Care class at the hospital. Or as I like to call it, "How to Keep Your Baby Alive" class.

That night went something like this:

As we were preparing to leave for the class, Rob reminded me that the instructor that had left a message said we could bring food and drink because it was a long class during dinnertime.

KK: "We can grab a bite after. Unless there's something you want to bring?"

MR. KK: "How about we bring beer?" He was kidding. But I LOVED that idea. (we didn't bring any beer. though about halfway through the class when the word 'nipple' had been said 63 times and I heard a very vivid description of 'cracked nipples', I was really wishing I had something to drink.)

Here are our key learnings from baby class: 

ON WHEN TO CALL THE PEDIATRICIAN

Anytime, night or day, whenever you have a question. Even at 3am. On their home phone. Or just put the baby in the car and stop by their house.

Or maybe that's just what I'm planning to do after hearing the 9 million things that could go wrong with our baby in just the first week. I'm hoping a natural instinct will kick in and I'll be able to decipher the difference between: not enough poop/too much poop/weird colored poop/poop that smells/poop that's like tar/poop that's too watery/poop that's too hard/baby poop/my poop.

ON PETS

If you have a cat, it will sneak into the crib and try and suffocate your baby.

If you have a dog, he will mostly likely hate you and poop on the carpet.

ON BATH TIME

Be sure you have an army of 10 at the house before you attempt this feat:

1 person to hold the baby

1 person to get the water

3 people to test the temperature of the water

1 person to entertain the baby during bath time

1 person to take pictures of baby's first bath

1 person to criticize how you're giving a bath

1 person to scream "don't get the umbilical cord wet!"

1 person to pour you a stiff drink for when this stressful event is over

ON FEEDING

This was my favorite topic of the night. And, honestly, the one I had the most questions about. How much do I feel our little peanut? Will he stop eating when he's full? Will he eat until he pops like dogs do? 

INSTRUCTOR: "We are a 'baby friendly' hospital here and we encourage breast feeding. After all, breast is best! And that breast milk is liquid gold."

Liquid gold? So let me get this straight: if you aren't going to breastfeed, does that mean you're 'baby unfriendly'? That you don't like your baby?

INSTRUCTOR: "I should ask, is anyone here planning on bottle feeding?" 

(look of disdain).

I raise my hand. "I am."

14 people suffer whiplash as the turn around to glare at me, as if I just admitted that I was going to feed the baby poison, and then I was going to leave him naked and out in the cold all winter long.

INSTRUCTOR: "Well, if you MUST, here's what you need to know…"

She then led with how expensive it is. Followed up by how expensive it is.

ON THE GIRL SITTING NEXT TO ME

Most.annoying.person.ever.

I'm all for questions, but seriously, this isn't your show, sweetie.

ANNOYING GIRL: "So I've been having debates with people on hand washing. It it a must every time touches the baby? I bought BabyGanics anti-bacterial with NO alcohol. Am I being anal? I think people should wash their hands every time."

(I agree with this, but didn't feel the need to wax on for hours about it)

ANNOYING GIRL: "Some people think I'm OCD. But that's what I want for my baby!"

ANNOYING GIRL'S HUSBAND: "Screw them! Tell them to mind their own business!"

ANNOYING GIRL: "Well, one of them is YOUR MOTHER, so why don't you tell her?"

Well, this class just got a whole lot more interesting!

ON CIRCUMCISION

It's your choice, but it will hurt your baby and make you feel like a horrible parent.

ON SWADDLING

It's the only way to get your baby to sleep and stop crying.

ON DIAPERING

Start a diaper fund.

Now.

Also, you will perfect the art of lifting your baby and sticking your nose to his diapered ass and exclaiming, "There's poop!"

So…are we ready?

Um, sure?

The family that resuscitates together, stays together.

So we have been in full-on preparation mode for the arrival of our little munchkin! 

It's finally starting to feel a little more real.

Nursery prep is well under way, with a second coat of paint going on as soon as I finish writing this post. Yesterday I organized baby clothes into bins by size, getting them ready to be washed. There's a baby shower on the horizon. We've been given a date that our surrogate will be induced. 

Things are moving full speed ahead.

And being the typical reader/researcher/blog stalker that I am, I've been reading everything I can about infants and newborns. One day I came across information about Infant CPR. I figured it couldn't hurt, right? And when I mentioned that Mr. KK and I were going to take this class, the four grandparents-to-be all raised their hands and wanted in. 

And immediately asked where we were going for brunch afterwards.

So one sunny, summer Sunday, the six of drove to Yale and entered what would be our CPR classroom for the next 4 hours. Here we were, 6 of the 8 spots in the class and not one of us was pregnant. We definitely received an arched eyebrow from the instructor, until we filled her in.

I had taken CPR in high school when I was working at our town's summer camps. I remember the big dummy 'Annie' lying on the floor, a group of teenagers huddled around her, taking turns blowing into her mouth, then wiping it clean with an alcohol swab, shaking her and yelling, "Are you all right? Are you all right? HELP! HELP! Call 911!"

Guess what? It's no different. Except 'Annie' is now 'Baby Anne' and she's the size of a Cabbage Patch Doll. And while the CPR videos have been updated, they apparently had their casting call for actors from B-movie rejects. 

We all survived, and brunch afterwards was delish – crab cake benny with a chilled sav blanc.

Cheers to Baby Anne!