Friday, September 5, 2014

Define "Ready".

Now that we are about 6 weeks away from the arrival of Baby M, we are asked the same question over and over:

"Are you ready?"

I don't know.

Is anyone every really ready?

If you mean have I booked airfare/hotel/rental car for our trip to Georgia? 

Then yes.

If you mean do we have the nursery set up and cute little onsies bought and folded? 

Then yes.

If you mean are we mentally prepared for a 14 hour drive home from Georgia with a newborn we just met in a rental car? 


But I don't know if I'll ever really be ready for that, I think we'll just go with it when the time comes.

That's not to say we haven't been doing things to get ready for the arrival of our bundle of joy. 

Just the other night, we took an Infant Care class at the hospital. Or as I like to call it, "How to Keep Your Baby Alive" class.

That night went something like this:

As we were preparing to leave for the class, Rob reminded me that the instructor that had left a message said we could bring food and drink because it was a long class during dinnertime.

KK: "We can grab a bite after. Unless there's something you want to bring?"

MR. KK: "How about we bring beer?" He was kidding. But I LOVED that idea. (we didn't bring any beer. though about halfway through the class when the word 'nipple' had been said 63 times and I heard a very vivid description of 'cracked nipples', I was really wishing I had something to drink.)

Here are our key learnings from baby class: 


Anytime, night or day, whenever you have a question. Even at 3am. On their home phone. Or just put the baby in the car and stop by their house.

Or maybe that's just what I'm planning to do after hearing the 9 million things that could go wrong with our baby in just the first week. I'm hoping a natural instinct will kick in and I'll be able to decipher the difference between: not enough poop/too much poop/weird colored poop/poop that smells/poop that's like tar/poop that's too watery/poop that's too hard/baby poop/my poop.


If you have a cat, it will sneak into the crib and try and suffocate your baby.

If you have a dog, he will mostly likely hate you and poop on the carpet.


Be sure you have an army of 10 at the house before you attempt this feat:

1 person to hold the baby
1 person to get the water
3 people to test the temperature of the water
1 person to entertain the baby during bath time
1 person to take pictures of baby's first bath
1 person to criticize how you're giving a bath
1 person to scream "don't get the umbilical cord wet!"
1 person to pour you a stiff drink for when this stressful event is over


This was my favorite topic of the night. And, honestly, the one I had the most questions about. How much do I feel our little peanut? Will he stop eating when he's full? Will he eat until he pops like dogs do? 

INSTRUCTOR: "We are a 'baby friendly' hospital here and we encourage breast feeding. After all, breast is best! And that breast milk is liquid gold."

Liquid gold? So let me get this straight: if you aren't going to breastfeed, does that mean you're 'baby unfriendly'? That you don't like your baby?

INSTRUCTOR: "I should ask, is anyone here planning on bottle feeding?" 
(look of disdain).

I raise my hand. "I am."

14 people suffer whiplash as the turn around to glare at me, as if I just admitted that I was going to feed the baby poison, and then I was going to leave him naked and out in the cold all winter long.

INSTRUCTOR: "Well, if you MUST, here's what you need to know…"

She then led with how expensive it is. Followed up by how expensive it is.



I'm all for questions, but seriously, this isn't your show, sweetie.

ANNOYING GIRL: "So I've been having debates with people on hand washing. It it a must every time touches the baby? I bought BabyGanics anti-bacterial with NO alcohol. Am I being anal? I think people should wash their hands every time."
(I agree with this, but didn't feel the need to wax on for hours about it)

ANNOYING GIRL: "Some people think I'm OCD. But that's what I want for my baby!"

ANNOYING GIRL'S HUSBAND: "Screw them! Tell them to mind their own business!"

ANNOYING GIRL: "Well, one of them is YOUR MOTHER, so why don't you tell her?"

Well, this class just got a whole lot more interesting!


It's your choice, but it will hurt your baby and make you feel like a horrible parent.


It's the only way to get your baby to sleep and stop crying.


Start a diaper fund.

Also, you will perfect the art of lifting your baby and sticking your nose to his diapered ass and exclaiming, "There's poop!"

So…are we ready?

Um, sure?

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