Oh, the Duggars.
You know them as the Bible-toting family with almost two dozen home-schooled children. They had a reality TV show "19 Kids and Counting". The title alone was enough to make me want to run for the hills.
At the doctor's office this morning, I was flipping through People Magazine, and came across an article about the Duggars…namely, two of their daughters.
It seems that two of the elder Duggar Daughters have discovered boys!
And apparently, after you discover boys, you enter into "Courting".
So adjust your chastity belts, folks, and take a look at "The Rules of Courting: Duggar-Style":
This is juicy stuff. Here are my favorite parts:
"Both parties, and both sets of parents, agree that the courtship is God's will before it moves forward."
So…God sends an email? Comes to Mrs. Duggar in a dream? How can they be SURE God's onboard with this? I mean, he can be pretty vague.
"Communication is monitored by parents, and text messages are open for everyone to see."
Well, that's comfortable. I'm guessing phone conversations go something like this:
DUGGAR GIRL: "Hi."
BOYFRIEND: "Hi."
DUGGAR GIRL: "I think you're nice."
BOYFRIEND: "You looked really pretty today."
DUGGAR DAD: (interrupting) "Easy there, boy! That's my 8th born you're talking to."
"Physical boundaries are set by the couple: The Duggar girls and beaus have agreed to only "side hugs" pre-engagement and only hand-holding post-engagement. Their first kisses will be on their wedding days."
WTF is a side hug? And once engaged they can only hold hands? I've gone farther than that with a stranger in line at the grocery store.
Imagine waiting years to have your first kiss with someone…then you have it, and it sucks. What if he uses the Hoover technique? Or she has over-active salivary glands? Doesn't matter! Because they're stuck with each other for life! Because if God doesn't approve of full-on frontal hugs, he sure as hell isn't going to tolerate divorce.
And my personal favorite:
"Accountability is important. If someone is feeling a temptation, it is prayed about and shared with parents."
DUGGAR GIRL: "Mom, there's something I need to tell you."
DUGGAR MOM: "What is it sweetie? God and I are listening."
DUGGAR GIRL: "Today, I thought about what my boyfriend might look like without a shirt on."
DUGGAR MOM: "Oh, sweet Jesus! Two Hail Marys, right now, young lady!"
Do you think Sex Ed was part of their home-schooling curriculum?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go give Rob a super-tight side hug!
I'm a Target girl.
However, each year, we make one pilgrimage to the the big blue box store (against my better judgement, kicking and screaming), where we stock up on supplies for our annual summer picnic. Is saving $1.00 on paper towels worth it?
Jury's still out.
So there we were, shopping alongside people who were wearing pajamas at 5pm on a Sunday.
Halfway through the trip I went to the ladies' room. I was at the sink washing my hands for the third time (if I could have taken a shower I would have) when a woman, a little girl who couldn't have been more than 3 or 4, and a little boy who was probably 5 or 6 walk in. The woman plops the little girl onto the toilet in one of the stalls and stands in the open doorway.
The little girl is chattering away, as little girls do. I'm vigorously rubbing my hands under the dryer.
And then I hear this:
GIRL: "There's poopie on the floor!"
Wha?
I turn to look (if you don't turn and look after hearing an exclamation like that you are made of stone, people), and there – on the floor next to the toilet – is a little poop nugget, about the size of an olive.
WOMAN: (matter-of-fact) "There is poopie on the floor."
Because, hey, we see this stuff everyday, right?
GIRL: "That's MY poopie! It slipped out!"
At this point, my hands are dry, but I'm still standing there, staring at the dryer. Must. not. look. at. poop. or. crazy. family.
It was my cue to leave, and on the way out I hear this:
WOMAN: "That's your poopie? Oh, man, now we have to wipe your bum."
And, you know, clean up the poop on the floor.
Which I'm doubting happened.
I have a love/hate relationship with technology.
There are things I couldn't live without, like my iPhone and social media, but there are those things that scare the crap out of me, like when I admire a pair of shoes online and then they immediately show up in my newsfeed on Facebook with a note that says, "Hey, KK, you liked these shoes right? Why didn't you buy them? C'mon, click here and buy them!".
I commute quite a distance to work every day, so I use the time to catch up with my family. And being the uber-conscientious driver that I am, I was using my friend Siri to help me.
"What can I help you with?" she graciously asks me.
ME: "Call Mom and Dad."
(pause)
SIRI: "I'm sorry, KK, I didn't quite get that."
ME: "CALL MOM AND DAD!" (Screaming. Like an idiot.)
SIRI: "Did you say, 'Call Jen Smith?'"
ME: "NO."
SIRI: "Did you say, 'Call Boss At Home'?"
What??
ME: "NO! NO I DIDN'T!"
SIRI: "Calling Boss At Home."
ME: "NO! UNDO! CANCEL! DON'T CALL! STOP CALLING!!!"
SIRI: "Who would you like to call?"
ME: "Siri, are you crazy???"
SIRI: "Calling Paul's Pizza."
