Oh, the Duggars.
You know them as the Bible-toting family with almost two dozen home-schooled children. They had a reality TV show "19 Kids and Counting". The title alone was enough to make me want to run for the hills.
At the doctor's office this morning, I was flipping through People Magazine, and came across an article about the Duggars…namely, two of their daughters.
It seems that two of the elder Duggar Daughters have discovered boys!
And apparently, after you discover boys, you enter into "Courting".
So adjust your chastity belts, folks, and take a look at "The Rules of Courting: Duggar-Style":
This is juicy stuff. Here are my favorite parts:
"Both parties, and both sets of parents, agree that the courtship is God's will before it moves forward."
So…God sends an email? Comes to Mrs. Duggar in a dream? How can they be SURE God's onboard with this? I mean, he can be pretty vague.
"Communication is monitored by parents, and text messages are open for everyone to see."
Well, that's comfortable. I'm guessing phone conversations go something like this:
DUGGAR GIRL: "Hi."
DUGGAR GIRL: "I think you're nice."
BOYFRIEND: "You looked really pretty today."
DUGGAR DAD: (interrupting) "Easy there, boy! That's my 8th born you're talking to."
"Physical boundaries are set by the couple: The Duggar girls and beaus have agreed to only "side hugs" pre-engagement and only hand-holding post-engagement. Their first kisses will be on their wedding days."
WTF is a side hug? And once engaged they can only hold hands? I've gone farther than that with a stranger in line at the grocery store.
Imagine waiting years to have your first kiss with someone…then you have it, and it sucks. What if he uses the Hoover technique? Or she has over-active salivary glands? Doesn't matter! Because they're stuck with each other for life! Because if God doesn't approve of full-on frontal hugs, he sure as hell isn't going to tolerate divorce.
And my personal favorite:
"Accountability is important. If someone is feeling a temptation, it is prayed about and shared with parents."
DUGGAR GIRL: "Mom, there's something I need to tell you."
DUGGAR MOM: "What is it sweetie? God and I are listening."
DUGGAR GIRL: "Today, I thought about what my boyfriend might look like without a shirt on."
DUGGAR MOM: "Oh, sweet Jesus! Two Hail Marys, right now, young lady!"
Do you think Sex Ed was part of their home-schooling curriculum?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go give Rob a super-tight side hug!