what happens in the ladies' locker room…will scar you for life

You know the old saying "I'm eating for two?" when you're pregnant? And then it's okay to gain weight because you have 'that glow' and an actual human inside of you sucking nutrients out of your body?

Well, I don't know what you call it when you're ravenous while you're one degree removed from being pregnant. Maybe I'm gaining sympathy weight. Or maybe my 40-year-old metabolism is announcing its big arrival. Or perhaps my crazy work schedule and no gym time is creeping up on me.

Whatever the case may be, it was time to get my ass back into shape.

So last week, I went back to the gym.

And that means back to the locker room.

I have seen some stuff in the ladies' locker room at the gym that would make a grown man cringe.

But none of my old favorites were there. Instead, there was a new slew of women with equally as weird habits.

But I was nostalgic for all the crazies I used to see...

Like the old, skinny ladies who walk around naked with their flappy skin and saggy asses. How they will turn to you, and look you in the eye while wearing nothing but their birthday suits and say, "MY! How do you walk in those shoes?"

And how while naked, they like to prop one leg up on the bench to apply cream to every nook and cranny God gave them.

And even when they sit their bare asses on the dirty public locker room bench to put on their socks or to rest.

Or how about the woman who will strip down naked in all her glory, walk sans clothing to the shower, then return in a towel and in a new found fit of modesty, bring her clothing into the little changing room and lock the door, only to emerge fully dressed.

But perhaps the one that is burned into my mind the most is Tits McGee. 

She was a girl – whose age I can only describe as 27 from the neck down and 45 from the chin up - getting ready directly behind me, so I could see her every move in my mirror.

She was applying her make-up wearing a lace thong, had her wet hair wrapped in a towel, and was wearing a black parka.

A parka.

Putting on her make-up.

It was long enough to just cover her tanned cheeks.

And when she started blow-drying her hair, naturally she got hot, so she took the parka off.

And the only thing she was wearing under her parka were nipples.

As soon as she unzipped the jacket her huge jugs sprang free, as if they were saying, "Helllllooo! I'm here! And I'm cold!"

You can't un-see that shit.

Second runner up is Commando, who you can imagine is the woman who leaves her unmentionables at home, and wears JEANS to work, ladies.

Denim. Directly against her lady bits.

Lord help me.