Saturday, November 11, 2017

Day 11: If I Were to Write a Potty Training Manual...



As a mother, by far my least favorite thing I've had to deal with in 3 years is potty training.

I hear you, mothers of teenagers, laughing at me because it's going to get A LOT worse. But right now I'm chained to a toilet, so it feels a little like rock bottom.

I attempted to potty train the Little Mister back in March, when he was 2 1/2 years old. I skimmed read the books about the 3-day Potty Training Boot camp Weekend. I was ready. I took a day off from work, loaded up on paper towels, and put LM in a short shirt and nothing else. Surprisingly, he did really well. For a few days. Then, not so much.

So we let it go.

Recently, however, as we approached the magic age of 3 and the transition to the Pre School room at daycare, it was time again.

Crotch Watch 2017 was about to begin again.

This time, however, I wasn't as prepared. 

We were embarking on vacation, and LM would start in the Big Boy room right when we got back. His teacher said, "No diapers in this room. When you get back from vacation, bring him in here in his undies."

Excuse me?

Me: "Are you sure? You want him to go into undies cold turkey?" Because I sure as hell wasn't going to start potty training my kid on vacation.

She assured me it would be fine and that she'd take him to the bathroom every 30 minutes.

On that first day back to daycare we dressed LM up in his new Lightning McQueen undies. "You need to keep Lightning DRY," we drilled into his head.

And here we are, two months later, and LM is more or less potty trained. He still wears a pull-up at night, but 99% of the time, we are keeping Lightning dry.

I know someday I'll look back and not even remember potty training. These two months will be but a blip in the amazing memories we have with our child.

However, living through the 2 months, that's a different story.

If I were to write a Potty Training Manual, it would be less about how to potty train your child and the psychology behind it (because, let's face it, your child will start using the toilet when s/he is good and ready, not because you're camping out in the bathroom), and more of preparation for parents on what is going to happen to their normal, everyday lives.

The Only Potty Training Manual You'll Need by kk

1. Potty Training sucks. Sure, go ahead and try and make it fun. You're just fooling yourself. At your lowest low, you will find yourself trying to rationalize with a toddler. You'll ask moronic questions like, "Why didn't you tell Mommy you had to go pee pee?"

2. Stock up on your adult beverage of choice. Because when the clock strikes 8pm and you can FINALLY put a mother-loving pull up on your kid for bedtime, you will need a drink.

3. Say good-bye to doing anything. Ever. All those chores and errands you need to get done on a weekend? Forget it. Why? Because you can't be more than 3 feet away from a potty for longer than 30 minutes. And the thought of packing everything you'd need to venture out of the house and be prepared for accidents? No thanks. House arrest is easier.

4. You will start to hate the sound of your own voice. Why? Because you'll hear yourself asking, "Do you have to go potty?" 4,739 times a day.

5. You will learn self restraint. Especially when your toddler stands in front of you in a fresh pair of undies, looks you in the eye and says, "I'm going pee pee right now." In the kitchen.

6. Get used to cooking. Because you won't see the inside of a restaurant for months.

7. You will start to resent your partner (just a little) for having legitimate reasons for leaving the house and being away from a potty-training toddler. Like they have to go to work. Or mow the lawn. Or go to the grocery store for toilet paper.

8. There's no point in getting dressed beyond sweatpants or yoga pants. A. You'll spend most of your day on the bathroom floor, wiping up pee or reading books to get your toddler to poop and B. You're not leaving the house anyway

9. Your hands will chap. Whether it's because you're constantly washing your hands with your toddler teach good bathroom etiquette, grabbing for skin-drying baby wipes, or once again grabbing the tub of anti-bacterial wipes to clean up the floor, your hands will be a mess. Don't even bother with a manicure until he's 4 years old.

10. Get used to the fact that your child will be much better at potty training when they are with anyone except you. Our child would have dry undies all day at school and when he was with his grandmothers. When he'd get home, he'd play and then tell us, "I made Lightning a little wet." Even though we'd been asking him a million times if he had to go.

11. Accept the fact that will have to bribe your child. It's the only way it's going to work, folks.


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