Obituary to my former life

When you have a baby, it changes your life. 

Cliché, I know. 

But true.

I love Max more than I thought humanly possible. I love him so much that when I'm holding him, I just want to squeeze him, and eat him up (not literally, weirdos, though I have been known to munch on his ridiculously cute toes and cheeks).

A common question people ask you after you've had a baby is: "I bet you can't even remember life before Max!" then they tip their heads back and let out some co-conspirator 'Am I right?' parent laugh.

"Actually, I remember my life before Max pretty well," I say, and they stop laughing, as if I just told them I practice voodoo in the backyard.

I'm not saying I want to go back to life before Max – to be clear – but I'd be lying if I said I didn't remember it.

So it's today, Saturday morning at 6:16am, that I finally and formally bid adieu to the "used to's" and "remember when's" of my pre-Max life.

Exercising. 
Pre Max, I was going to the gym 5 days a week, running 5Ks and wearing smaller pants.

I'm probably the only person who gained weight on maternity leave (when you don't have baby weight to lose, and you sit around entertaining people who come visit the baby, and have happy hour every night and cook gourmet meals and can't bring to tear yourself away from the baby to exercise, you tend to gain a few pounds).

And exercising now that I'm back at work? Um, right. When exactly should I do that? Should I give up one of the two hours I have with Max each day? Or should I get up at 4am instead of 5am? Maybe I should skip dinner (actually, that would probably help my case, but I like food too much).

Thursday Night Date Night
Up until 7 months ago, Thursday nights were usually our night to go sit at our local bar, have a few beers, eat a late dinner and catch up.

It was perfect, I was always working late, Mr. KK had time to come home and do some work around the house and yard, we usually had zero food left in the fridge for dinner by this point in the week (or stuff that I wasn't 'in the mood for'). We'd head out around 8pm, saddle up to the bar, and start our night.

Now? The only thing I'm starting at 8pm is my walk down the hall to put my pajamas on.

Last-minute anything
Lunch in Mystic.
Overnight trip to the casino.
Day drinking then coming home and taking a nap.
Taking a nap, period.
Running to Homegoods for a 3-hour quick trip.
Squeezing in a manicure.

There is nothing "last minute" about my life anymore.
Nothing.

(Except the last-minute cancellation of things I don't have time for)

Getting Ahead (and other mythical feelings)
Once you have kids you will never get ahead. You will never feel like you've caught up on life. Feeling accomplished is a thing of the past. You will forever and always be behind.

The only way to accept this is to lower your expectations of yourself. Plan to do only ONE thing (grocery shopping, planting flowers, taking a shower) and you won't be disappointed in yourself.

(Today my thing was "write a blog post" and look at that! It's 7am and I've already accomplished everything on my list for today! Yay, me!)

Remembering sh*t
Who said, 'Of all the things I've lost, I'll miss my mind the most?' Well, that's how I feel.

I used to be someone who was on top of every detail, remembered every birthday/holiday/event. It was rather impressing.

These days, it's not uncommon for me to walk into a room and not remember why I went in there in the first place. Birthdays sneak up on me (NOTE: if you mail a card to someone ON their actual birthday, they will not get said card before their birthday.)

So farewell, former life. It was a good run.

There's a new sheriff in town, and he's small, but mighty. 

And even if I had more hours in my days to do any of the stuff in the list above, I'd still choose to spend the time with him.

The WORST Question You Could Ask a New Mom

As I settle into my third month of motherhood, I’m getting used to being asked tons of questions.

And I’m happy to answer most of them. As most New Moms would be.

There are three questions, however, that I think are taboo. These questions should never, ever be asked of a New Mom.

First: “Are you getting enough sleep?”

Sure, everyone knows that all new moms are sleep deprived, so maybe you’re just looking for confirmation. However, this question insinuates that she looks tired, which is almost worst than saying ‘You look tired’ because it shows you don’t have the guts to outwardly insult her; so instead you’re going to hint at the fact that she has circles under her eyes darker than a Kardashian tan.

Second: “Do you think you’ll have another baby?”

Honestly, people, her oven hasn’t even cooled down yet! Right now New Mom is doing all she can to make sure her baby is fed, diapered and happy – all while trying to stay sane, keeping an every-other-day shower schedule, and making sure she’s wearing a bra when company shows up. Now’s not the time.

But the worst question – and I mean THE WORST question – you can ask New Mom is this: “When do you go back to work?”

A little part of me just died even writing the words.

How am I supposed to leave this face???

No new mother who is home caring for her new baby even wants to think about the day she has to change out her pajamas into her big girl clothes, kiss her little one good-bye for way longer than a nap, walk out the door and drive to the cruel place that is holding her hostage from her baby for 8-10 hours, causing her to miss every coo, smile and milestone.

So, please, do us all a favor and Just.Don’t.Ask.

When we found out we were having a baby, we made the decision that I would stay home with him on leave for as long as I could. Our son was born via surrogate, which meant I wasn’t able to take advantage of my company’s paid maternity leave, because I wasn’t physically giving birth (don’t even get me started). But I was able to take advantage of FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act), and in the state of Connecticut you can take up to 16 weeks (most states it’s 12 weeks). Plus, it took six years for our little nugget to get here, I was going to do everything possible to spend as much time as humanly possible with him.

I MAY be breaking every parenting rule out there by letting him 

nap on me all day but I don't care. I can't get enough of him. #sorrynotsorry

For those people who know me, they understand that I’m a severe Type A personality. I’m as organized as they come and a perfectionist, so I took my job very seriously. So they’ve been asking me about going back to work since my second week home. They know my job can be pretty demanding, with long hours and last-minute travel. These are all things that don’t mix well with having a baby at home.

And every time they would ask me when I was going back, I would muster up a smile and look them in eye, “The end of January. But we don’t talk about it.”

So instead, I play a little game of make believe in my head (and my own little world, apparently) that I’m not going back to work. It’s how I escape obsessing thinking about leaving Max every day.

Conversations in our house have been going something like this:

MR. KK: “When you go back to work…”

KK:  “What do you mean? I’m NOT going back to work.”

MR. KK: “Right, right. Well, IF you were going back to work, what time would we need to get Max up?”

KK:  “Well, I’m not. But if I were to guess a time in that horrible scenario, I’d say 6:30am.”

"Mommy? Please don't go."

Pretend is fun, but I’m a realist. So even though I’m not going back to work (wink, wink) we’ve started Max on the ‘When Mommy Goes Back To Work Schedule’, which pretty much starts to implement a regular time for him to get up in the mornings that allows me to wake him up, snuggle with him and feed him before I have to go to the place that is robbing me of spending time with my son work. The new schedule also allows me to have play time and bath time after I get home.

NOTE: Alternate names of this schedule are: ‘Mommy’s Sorry She’s Abandoning You Schedule’ and the ‘Watch Mommy's Heart Get Ripped Out Schedule’.

So please, ask me ANYTHING except you-know-what.

Because we’re not talking about that.

Day 19: I have a pretty good memory.

Those people who say, "You won't even remember your life before Max!"

Well, those people are lying.

While I don't ever want to revert to life before my little Max, I do remember my life before he arrived.

In fact, here are 10 things I miss remember about my life prior to October 5…

1. Hot Tea. Every morning I make myself tea. On average I have to microwave it twice before I even take a sip. Even then, it's luke warm.

2. A night of uinterrupted sleep. Don't get me wrong, I'm getting sleep; in fact, Max's new accomplishment is only waking up ONE TIME during the night to eat. However, there was a time when I would sleep for 8 hours straight without any disruptions. ((sigh))

3. Daily showers. Let's see…write a blog post or shower? Eat lunch or shower? Ignore Max or shower? Yep, shower falls to the bottom of the list every time. And forget washing and blow drying my hair (that's an extra 40 minutes!). I do, however, shower for non-blood visitors (for the most part).

4. Going to the gym. As crazy as it sounds, I miss getting up at the crack of dawn and going to gym. It was my routine, and I felt good about myself starting the day with a workout behind me. Plus, it allowed me to compensate for my adult beverages at night.

5. Knowing what day it is. Last week I asked Mr. KK what day it was and he gave me a funny look. "It's Friday," he said, which is a big day of the week for the working folk. To me, every day is Friday. Or Monday. Doesn't matter.

6. Reading. Before Max, I was reading 2-3 books a week. Now that I'm home and not working crazy hours, do you know how many books I've read? ZERO. Do you know how many web articles I've read about "how much should my baby be eating?"? 4,237. At least.

7. People who were happy to see me. When they walked in the door and said hi to me, instead of brushing by while asking,"Where's Max?" 

8. Day of kk. That weekend day when we had NOTHING planned? And that day becoming whatever I wanted it to be? Oh, the possibilities! Pedicures! A trip to Homegoods! A boozy lunch! This day has morphed into "Hour of kk" (But I'll take it!)

9. Ah, the to-do list. I've written about this before. That awesome accomplished feeling you get crossing something off your list? Just a fleeting memory. The to-do list, however, makes a nice coaster and coffee table decoration.

10. Having two hands. It's amazing how skilled I've gotten at doing things with a baby in one hand: making bottles, putting clothes away, even putting on makeup. Hell, the other day I made the bed with one hand; that is talent, people.

I'll end with a ridiculous cute picture of Maxwell (which has nothing to do with anything but who cares this is my blog).

Day 11: Soundbites in the KK household

Whether we're bestowing sound advice onto our baby, or making daily observances, not a day goes by that we don't say something that's worthy of being written down (so that we can torture Max later in life).

On successful feeding:

"Ugh. I got the faulty nipple again. Can you bring me a new nipple? No, that one's too soft. No, not the discolored one. That one – the hard one."

On trying to put Max down for a nap:

"Well, did you turn on his vibrator? He can't sleep without his vibrator."

On life advice:

"Max, if you don't try to eat your bib, you won't be disappointed when you discover it's not food."

On crying:

"Max, really. Stop it. You're acting like a baby."

On his dramatics during bath time:

"Well, it's official. He hates being naked. At least we don't have to worry about him turning into an exhibitionist."

"Or a stripper."

On Max developing folds and rolls as he gains weight:

"Dude, you have more nooks and crannies than an English Muffin."

On getting dressed:

"Max, you have to wear pants. This isn't the Vegas Strip."

On playtime:

"I only know the first 4 verses to 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."

"Who knew there was more than one verse?"

"Well, obviously. The song can't end after simply establishing the fact that this girl has a fleecy lamb. There needs to be more to the story. An antagonist or something. And maybe a cliffhanger ending."

Ah, the joys of parenthood!

Day 5: We survived the first month!

Well, hot damn! The kk's survived their first month as parents!

Oddly, it doesn't feel like we've been keeping Max alive taking care of Max for a month, however, it feels like a million years since the mayhem of our trip to Georgia (which you can read about here in case you missed it).

Here's what I've learned in the first month of parenthood:

1. No matter what, you will change. I don't mean you'll become a different person (though you might), but things that used to mean something in the past, might mean zilch to you know; and vice versa. 

For example, I used to be a  STICKLER for milk dates – I would NEVER drink milk past the 'sell by' date stamped on the carton. Now, I have been known to turn a blind eye to that date when in dire need of milk for my morning tea. (This happened in the first two weeks; ever since I've been back to policing the milk dates in the house).

2. You will sleep differently. It used to be that once I was woken up in the wee hours of the morning, I was up the for day because I couldn't stop thinking about all of the things I had to do. Now – since every day is a weekend – I fall back to sleep after feedings before my head even hits the pillow, no matter what the time. Also? With a newborn, I'm sleeping later than I ever have in my life. Crazy, right? (More on what sleep looks like in our house here).

Max – yesterday morning – at 9:04am.

Yes, I had to wake him up to eat breakfast.

3. Don't listen to what everyone says about being a new parent. I am yet to "accidentally" eat poop. I haven't left the house with spit up on my clothing. I  only own one pair of yoga pants, so they haven't become my wardrobe staple.

4. Your child is cutest baby on the planet, hands down. No contest.

I mean, COME ON.

5. Babies are time-suckers. For me, this is because I just stop and stare at him for hours. It is amazing just to watch him sleep. Things like lying on a mat on the floor are as entertaining as attending a Broadway Show.

Mommy and Max playtime!

6. You can still enjoy hot home-cooked meals. Now, if you didn't cook dinners before you had a baby, then chances are you're not cooking them now. But cooking was such a HUGE part of my life, and it has only amplified. Part of my daily routine is making dinner for us – it's the time Mr. KK and I can sit down together, catch up and enjoy a cocktail while Max takes a snooze.

7. You can still check stuff off of your to-do list. Hey, babies are portable, right?

He's a built-in moderator for liquor purchases. 

When the top of the carriage is full, it's time to go. 

8. You can still love your four-legged fur babies. You might have to cut their time outside short if you're alone. Or they might not get as many belly rubs as they used to. But you'll find those times when you can snuggle them and remind them how important they are to you as your first born.

Happy One Month, Maxwell!

Hopefully Mommy and Daddy are doing alright.

Parental Advice

Parents love to give advice to people who are going to be parents.

And I eat that shit up. 

The secret to getting your baby to sleep through the night? 
Do tell. 

How to avoid getting peed on every time I change a diaper?
Details, please.

Balance baby, house and work without having a mental breakdown?
I'm all ears.

But the biggest piece of 'advice' we've gotten over and over as we've been sharing and talking about our news has been just three simple words. 

It goes down like this: parents give each other a knowing look that only those who have been in the trenches can understand, look at us and smile and simply say:

Just. You. Wait.

(cue the maniacal laughter)

However, this has been the advice that makes the most sense to me.

We will have to wait. We have to wait to see what type of little person this baby turns out to be. 

While some parents have told me horror stories of their babies 'just not sleeping for more than 3 hours at a time, even at 8 months!', (lord help me!), both Mr. KK and I were FANTASTIC sleepers at a very early age, sleeping through the night with no problems.

What about the babies who get their hands into everything, the minute they're mobile? One of my favorite stories from my mother-in-law is that when Mr. KK was a baby, she would sit him down on the floor in the kitchen in front of the refrigerator, and come back 45 minutes later and he was still there…he never moved a muscle.

We may have a sleeper or a night owl. 

A foodie or a picker eater. 

A talker or the silent type.

A crier or a self-soother.

A smiler or a frowner.

A joker or a deep thinker.

But no matter what we have, he's ours, and we'll figure him out along the way, just like everybody else.

And we won't be able to wait until the day, when we can look anxious parents-to-be in the eye and say, "Just you wait!"

And then collapse into fits of evil laughter.